Shit stories are the best icebreakers because everyone has one. You're currently in disbelief because I just said this but you're thinking to yourself, "OMG! This is so true!". Hahaha! Got your attention, didn't I? Personally, I hate awkward silence. I always wondered what on earth could I say to get people talking. Finally, it dawned on me after hearing many shit stories throughout the years. Some people will tell stories on themselves, while others will tell them on friends or co-workers. The thing is everyone will laugh and start talking. Even if your story is about you, you can save face by telling the story as if it happened to a made-up friend rather than yourself. However, as people start talking you're going to want to "one up" them. Finally, you'll admit to a true story of your own because people will be doubling over laughing at all the other stories. Now, that awkward silence has disappeared and any topic can be discussed because nothing is more interesting or embarrassing than a "shit story".
I can't share my very best stories because I need to have stories to use when I am in those awkward silence moments. I am, however, going to give you one that will at least assist you when breaking the silence.
Going away to college is the beginning process of moving away from home. I was happy to have a roommate in my dorm which automatically gave me someone to talk to. Luckily, Angie lived in our dorm one semester prior to my arrival and had made friends with several of the girls on our floor. I couldn't have asked for a better situation. I was included in group talks, food runs & University of Kentucky basketball TV nights. These ladies were awesome. The bathroom in our dorm was communal with many clean, private stalls for commodes and showers. This was the perfect bathroom set up for me...well, almost perfect! The one problem was that I was embarrassed to shit in a public place. I was terrified of leaving a foul aroma behind. I know, it sounds crazy but I was completely paralyzed with this fear.
Going away to college is the beginning process of moving away from home. I was happy to have a roommate in my dorm which automatically gave me someone to talk to. Luckily, Angie lived in our dorm one semester prior to my arrival and had made friends with several of the girls on our floor. I couldn't have asked for a better situation. I was included in group talks, food runs & University of Kentucky basketball TV nights. These ladies were awesome. The bathroom in our dorm was communal with many clean, private stalls for commodes and showers. This was the perfect bathroom set up for me...well, almost perfect! The one problem was that I was embarrassed to shit in a public place. I was terrified of leaving a foul aroma behind. I know, it sounds crazy but I was completely paralyzed with this fear.
Making the situation worse was that my house shoes were indistinctly mine. Ugh! I actually made myself sick by holding everything in until around 2:00AM. I was sure all my dorm mates would be asleep by this time. I can remember vividly how I would stand for entire conversations because I knew one false move could lead to disaster. On these nights & days I could not even release gas because I might shart. Oh, the misery!
One evening while chatting with several of the girls, the subject of bowel movements came up in the conversation. Ha! Everyone was so willing to share their experiences and mishaps. The stories were extremely funny. I was in disbelief of bowel movements being discussed in public. When it was my turn to share, I just couldn't "hold in" my secret. Besides being assured that shitting was a normal part of life, my friends were concerned about the physical problems that I could endure by "holding it". Regardless, I still held strong to my routine. A few nights later the "pain" hit me. I suppose it was around 7-8:00 PM and I knew I was going to have to wait until the girls were all asleep. I guess I shared to much of my story and the girls noticed that I never sat the entire evening. Oops!
Around 2:00 AM, I decided it was time for my weekly trip to the bathroom. I walked the entire length of the hallway to make sure there was no chatter coming from behind the doors of the dorm rooms. When I was sure I was "safe", I gathered my soft, thick, Charmine TP & entered the bathroom. I went all the way to the last stall. Oh, the wonderful relief. Nothing could be greater! I was so happy that I had shit in privacy without being interrupted.
One evening while chatting with several of the girls, the subject of bowel movements came up in the conversation. Ha! Everyone was so willing to share their experiences and mishaps. The stories were extremely funny. I was in disbelief of bowel movements being discussed in public. When it was my turn to share, I just couldn't "hold in" my secret. Besides being assured that shitting was a normal part of life, my friends were concerned about the physical problems that I could endure by "holding it". Regardless, I still held strong to my routine. A few nights later the "pain" hit me. I suppose it was around 7-8:00 PM and I knew I was going to have to wait until the girls were all asleep. I guess I shared to much of my story and the girls noticed that I never sat the entire evening. Oops!
Around 2:00 AM, I decided it was time for my weekly trip to the bathroom. I walked the entire length of the hallway to make sure there was no chatter coming from behind the doors of the dorm rooms. When I was sure I was "safe", I gathered my soft, thick, Charmine TP & entered the bathroom. I went all the way to the last stall. Oh, the wonderful relief. Nothing could be greater! I was so happy that I had shit in privacy without being interrupted.
While enjoying this serene moment, my worst fear occurred. I heard one of the bathroom doors open. I quickly reached down and picked up my house shoes & held my feet far enough up the stall door not to be seen. Someone urinated while coughing a few times then left. Thank goodness! I was alone again. About thirty seconds later, I heard the second door leading to the showers open. I again, grabbed my house shoes and lifted my feet. A voice coming from the opposite shower section of the bathroom, said, "I'm going to have to come back later. It stinks in here". Wow! Safe again. I thought I better hurry up and get out of there because I had misjudged and people were still awake on our floor. When I finished up & was getting ready to open my stall door, I heard one of the bathroom doors open for a third time. Oh my goodness! What on earth am I going to do? I heard not one but two voices! "Shew! Smells like something died in here!" came from one voice. The second voice didn't say anything distinctly but instead started laughing and coughing like the aroma was going to knock them down. These two people took their good ole' sweet time in the bathroom. I thought they were never, ever, going to leave. Of course, when they entered the bathroom I had immediately sat back down on the porcelain throne, grabbed my house shoes and lifted my feet in the air. I sat like this the entire time the two voices were echoing through the bathroom. I heard the door open and the voices subsided. I was safe! I knew I had to make a run for it this time. No hem-hawing around. It had to be at least 3:00 AM & I had early classes. I made a dash for the door with my Charmine in hand. I listened for voices. Without hearing any, I opened the door on the shower side of the bathroom. When I stepped out into the hall, I saw all of my friends gathered together holding in laughs of what they had done to me.
I was so embarrassed and there was nothing I could do. I felt not only my face become red but my entire body was hot. My friends explained that although they knew what they did was mean, they did this to help me. Help me? I was thinking that I'd never use the bathroom again. They wanted me to experience people coming into and out of so that I would get over the embarrassment. They also knew that physically holding it in was not healthy for me. They took the time to assure me that regardless of the lingering aroma...everyone has to shit!
I was so embarrassed and there was nothing I could do. I felt not only my face become red but my entire body was hot. My friends explained that although they knew what they did was mean, they did this to help me. Help me? I was thinking that I'd never use the bathroom again. They wanted me to experience people coming into and out of so that I would get over the embarrassment. They also knew that physically holding it in was not healthy for me. They took the time to assure me that regardless of the lingering aroma...everyone has to shit!
Please share this story and follow my blog. At least give me some feedback as to your opinion of my blog. Thanks! I hope I have been of some help to at least one person.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please let me know what you think of my stories. Thanks!